Empty

Empty is probably the right word to describe my 2020 so far. Many plans that potentially would benefit my career path were postponed. But if I am completely honest, it's not because of the damn virus that took over the world. The fault is on my part.

I've been so reluctant for so long. Because I'm afraid I can't afford mistakes. But if I don't do the things I'm supposed to do, lying around worrying about screwing up, that in itself is a mistake. I know, I know too damn well. I know that most if not all of the time I wasted is traded for nothing but an empty space in my soul.

I have been indecisive for years. Probably since the start of high school. When I was in 8th grade, I was pretty sure chemistry is "the one". I was sure that I would be happy doing anything chemistry-related for the rest of my life. I got good results with every competition I threw myself in but then everything changed when I started high school. Not gonna lie, I then hated chemistry and almost promised myself that I would never do anything chemistry- related for the rest of my life. What a dramatic change. And what a joke because I'm currently a chemistry-majored student and honestly chemistry classes are my favorite. 

My insecurities in school performance, appearance, individuality, etc piled up. Then at 16, I went to the other side of the globe, which is where I am now. I was so miserable. I was by myself and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do and who I want to be. Much progress has been made but there is still a space that can not be filled in my soul. Something is missing. Something I have yet to figure out.