Random thoughts #15_My self-esteem problem

Hi there, I know it's almost been a month since my last post. I have good reasons for it though. It's final season and I'm just trying not to fail school. Because I can fail at anything but school. It's the only thing I can do a decent job at. But that is a conversation for another day.

If you haven't noticed already from pretty much all of my blog posts as well as my Instagram posts, I have a self-esteem problem. It is a big problem. For the record, I'm not the type who pretends to think that they're not good enough so that others would praise them out of politeness. I genuinely know I am good enough in a few things and not good enough in some other things. But my problem is I can't feel proud of when I do something well. I can feel happy for a brief moment but then I would bath myself in such a weird anxiety of failing.
But I know I'm not stupid or handicapped in any set of skills that are necessary for my future profession, I suppose. I wasn't this insecure when I was younger. Probably due to the fact that I was rather shallow and didn't think much. I was reckless. I kinda wish the old me would somehow rise up from the ashes and take over this sad, anxious and lonely version of me.
I think it started in my last year of middle school and it intensified when high school started. I can blame the stressful environment of my high school as well as my classmates, who were so smart that being around them make me feel stupid 200 times a day.
Then things got worse when I moved to the US. School was not as stressful but I was already on the self-esteem destructive train and it ain't gonna stop. It could be because I feel the need to be even more academically successful. Ya know, my parents gotta pay an insane amount of money for me to be here and breath the American air. I don't even know if it was worth it. I don't even know if I worth the investment they put in me. All the time studying in the States and even now, I never failed once in school. I worked harder compared to how I did in Vietnam. I guess hard work pays off. But I don't feel any sense of pride, joy or anything else in between. Not that I hate what I'm studying. I actually enjoy it very much. I just can't seem to get my confidence back anytime soon.
Now you can see, I know my problems. I know the cause. I know everything about it except for the solution. This has been going on for years and I hope sooner or later, I can find my way out of it.