Just a small rant_"No stopping any time"
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There's a lot that's been on my mind recently. I'm 18 now. I'm technically a young adult now. I'm having that mental breakdown. I don't know if you've ever felt this way but it's really bothersome. Maybe because it's time for me to make bigger decisions, you know, the ones that could possibly shape my life in the near future. More than the fear of facing the real world which I don't even know what it really is, the fear of facing myself is so much more overwhelming. It feels like that moment when the train is in the dark tunnel and you're waiting for the light at the end.
I can feel changes. I don't know what is really occurring but it makes me anxious. I'm guessing it is the equivalent to waiting for something unpredictable to appear. I started to feel like an outsider at school. I can't enjoy my life school life like I used to be. Is it because I know that I have to leave it behind soon or is it because I'm just being a bizarre human being?
I'm not sure why but I think I'm becoming a grumpy and obnoxious kid. I get upset easily and I get stressed over nothing. I used to be a more carefree person. Being aware of the situation but unable to get my hands to myself makes everything worse.
The other day in drama class, Mr. Danny asked us to prepare a presentation on "my hero". I picked my dad. He's not technically a hero but he was the first that came across a thousands thoughts in my head then. I guess that was the innate behavior of any typical daughter. I always feel sorry for mom. I know she loves me and she expects to have a more affectionate daughter. I must have let her down on that matter. I rarely share anything with my parents because it's rather awkward than consulting. However, whenever I feel like I could share something, I always come to my dad. I guess mom noticed that because she once asked me why didn't I share anything with her. I just awkwardly covered it up because the answer doesn't lie in my hand. And I noticed one thing. We couldn't hang on the phone for long without having some kind of silence reflection. I can't comfortably talk to my sisters and my parents anymore because I don't know what's going on with their lives and they don't know mine either. It used to be our lives but now everything parted and broken. We always have the same conversation about how's school going or how's work going and then the rest of the conversation just vanishes into some kind of undefinable mess.
There's something that people always say like physical distance doesn't matter as long as you're a family.
That's a total bullshit.
It matters!!!!! Every single moment you're not together matters. It shapes the relationship and the bond between us all. Regardlessly, it always has and always will be. The denial doesn't stop it from happening.
The long and tedious call doesn't lie within the line of that saying...
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This is a different matter and totally random but...
I once saw a tweet:
"When you become a star on the sky, I will hear the constellations rejoice because they earned there best one.
But I will also hear my heart breaks, in silence. Because the sky can shine brighter but I need your light here"
I don't know how broken it must have been for your family and the fellow SHINee members. I sometimes think what if you didn't choose that path but I can't turn back time nor bring you back. Life isn't a song that I can replay. But if I could, I would turn it back to 17th December and if I could stop time, I would freeze the moment when the five of you shine brightly on stage. You, the one that helped the others to find the answer for their lives but couldn't find yours, I'm eternally sorry. If there's any such thing as next life, I hope you could be happy and loved. Time doesn't stop for any of us, we have to learn to move on despite being hurt because you're no longer physically here.
I remember it was a monday morning in my place and it was a dark night where your heart stopped. It was a storm, a tsunami, a broken monday morning. The universe cried with us when the poisonous smoke took your life away. Everything vanished through the dark night...
The blue aqua ocean always shine for you five.
After days, after lightyears, you'll forever be 27.
Thank you and I'm sorry.
I hope for the best to come to the ones who remain that they could look back in time and find you there with a smile and they could carry on and be happy.
For my part, I will always cherish the old times when you were in the same space with us, when the space between us isn't uncontrollably far like it s right now.
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LOL is it a travesty now? Because I'm more comfortable writing this long ass random rant in English?
I sound like a snob... seriously!!!!
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